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Tuesday, August 27, 2013

He Don't Sleep, He Can F***, & Makes Millions of Bucks ......

I promised myself I wouldn't indulge in "Fifty Shades Of Grey". 
But here I am, scrounging for a novel that was named a New York Times Bestseller. 
I've declared "Fifty Shades of Grey" public enemy number one ( eh, I'm such a hypocrite).

However, what roused my interest, was the announcement that the trilogy was scouting for the lead part for, infamous Christian Grey. 
In my mind 'I'm thinking It can't be that bad'. It'll hit the cinema soon. 
The novel may be underestimated. The mystique of Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy, may hold a poetic enigma, that public may not understand..
Given the author the benefit of the doubt.
But Oh My Zeus, was I wrong. Ah, so wrong...

The darkness, You Say What?!
A rainy day, in the rainy city of Seattle. An Interview turns into stalking, to signing a contract, to infatuation, to love?

We learn in book one, Christian Grey is handsome, a humanitarian, rich, (too rich for his own good). He plays the piano, and he doesn't make love, he Fu**'s and priapus has blessed him immensely. Although, Christian is a billionaire, he has a lot of time to sit around and do nothing.

He has an adopted sister that's very similar to Alice Cullen, and a brother resembles Emmett Cullen. Oh, yeah, let's not forget, he loves to whip brown-haired girls that look like his crack who** mother.
No lie!
Our, protagonist Ana Steele is humble, kind, blunt. and annoying (you see where this is going?)
She always has multiple personalities: Her Inner goddess, & concise talk to her, tell her what to do. 
They read books, Dress up, Eat, Dance.
You name it her Inner goddess, and concise does it.

Although, our protagonist is well educated; she cannot do simple tasks that is required of the modern woman. Her personality is more of a dubious child.
They're both unrealistic, bland, and tries to fit into the mold of darkness.
Now, that we presented the main characters.. Let's proceed with the storyline, But wait what is the plot?
The similarities between Fifty Shades of Grey, and Twilight try to come to a halt by book two, but to no avail. 
However, E.L James presents Bella and Edward in average sex; however the author considers this to be BDSM.

Ana Steele falls madly in love with Christian's dark side, and feels the need to save him. Its hard to think she fell in love with him and not his money, and looks. Because Ana repeats constantly "it's not his money, I'm in love with him"
As if she's trying to prove it to the reader and herself. 

Please if you're going to be golddigger, at least be proud of it.

The Plot/Characters Does Not Develop! 
By the Second/Third Book: Christian, and Ana divulge into his in insecurities. Facing up to his misogynist, sadistic views. However, E.L James must have noted that there is nothing going on, and tried her hardest to create saboteurs, with hidden conspiracies; conjoined with past lovers, and past employers.

And when they're not having sex, they text, and email each other about nothing. 

The storyline is geared towards sex ( I get its an erotic novel, but come on). E.L James description becomes animated only when sex is involved. 
Otherwise, terms such as "Laters, Baby" ," "Kinky Fuckery", "Holy Crap", will only result you to roll your eyes, or laugh at this joke of a novel.

E.L James had a hard time describing the emotional aspect of each character. Which could have been explosive, if she had some depth. She had many opportunities to presents her characters with enlighten moments, and challenges. However only resulted to a tale of pity, self doubt, and uninvolving characters.

The tone of the book is spoken as a woman, that's desperately seeking her youth. Making small insights to a woman still in her adolescence. Mentally. As if she wished this happened to her. 

Ana, is constantly fighting for her independence, and preying on Christian insecurities. While Christian uses sex to shut her up. The two bring out the worst in one another, then patronize each other endlessly throughout the series. 
And I'm suppose to believe they live happily ever after?

This trilogy left me bewildered, as to why this became popular in the first place. 
Please End This Midlife Crisis 
Mes Amours, Mes Amours. I respect a verbose voice. Truly I do. As if "Twilight" wasn't an enough. Here came a fanfiction that's even worst.

Many complain grammatical errors turned them off, but not for me. I can overlook that.
What was scary was that this was written by a woman in her fifties, that's well-read. She quotes some of the most talented minds of literature, in this half ass attempt of a novel.

My main problem with Fifty Shades of Grey, is the women that became devout fans of this fanfiction. These women would be the first to call Ms. Anastasia Steele, a ho in real life.
 I thought I was a hypocrite!

And, sorry to break it to you fans of Fifty Shades, but rough sex does not mean BDSM.

I honestly feel Miss. James had a great idea. You sense that E.L James has a vivid imagination. Ana, and Christian are charming ( although a duplication of "Twilight" hero/heroine)

If Ms. E. L James would of done intensive research and developed a plot, this trilogy could of been better. At least provocative, with a little novelty. 
"Fifty Shades of Grey" could of been amazing. She had a great idea, but the execution was all wrong

He Don't Sleep, He Can Fu**, & Makes Millions of Bucks....
  Pretty much sums up what the story is all about.

Amour Toujours
Nailah D'arcy 

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